I flip old photo albums, and rifle through past love letters or letters written to me in my most homesick moments in college. I hear from a friend of a friend that their lives went on just fine without me. The old wound opens and what comes from its gaping mouth is a certain sense of grief.
Over the course of our lifetimes, we meet so many people, and perhaps make many casual acquaintances, but a true and steadfast friend is a rarity. It could be the girl, who in 4th grade, had to hold her purple pleather pants up with both hands while trying to run the laps in gym class. Or the other girl who drunkenly made up (or helped to make up) your high school nickname. It could be the girl who sat with you during American history, who made you laugh till you peed a little. Perhaps the college roommate whom you fought with constantly, or the other college roommate whose parents sent you Halloween care packages. Or, it could be the boy who brought you a rose on Valentine's Day freshman year because your own boyfriend had forgotten you.
Regardless of how you met or befriended them, the friendship got you through times you thought were nothing short of devastating. They were your broad shoulders upon which to cry when you were dumped, your empathetic ear when all seemed lost, and the one who held your hair back for you the first time you were stupid enough to drink blackberry brandy. In a way, I think most of us assume that all of our relationships will be eternal, and perhaps often take them for granted. We let petty arguments grow into mountains, and forget simple days that mean so much to them. Our own worlds are so large and encompassing, we become absorbed in ourselves and our own minutiae.
And then those people, whom we loved fiercely and loyally, begin to drop off, like lost meteors escaping their path through the galaxy, and like those meteors, it is a near impossibility to track them down. At first, you reassure yourself that either you will get them back, or that they were unnecessary in the grand scheme of things. But once it hits you, there is a certain grief that swallows you in tiny gulps. Little reminders left behind have your heart aching a bit. You realize
the person you cared so much for will never again grace your home, your phone, your heart.
I have managed, through Facebook, to find several people I once thought to be lost in the infinite galaxy, and yet others I know will forever deliberately keep themselves off of my grid out of resentment or anger, or perhaps even pity. At one time, I may have felt wronged by this, by these days, as I see my life passing so quickly, all I can find is this:
I wish you a lovely life. Healthy children and healthy marriages. I wish you prosperous enough to coast, and yet not so bloated with wealth that you lose your vision. I wish you joy in the small things, like canoeing a lake or feeding babies ice cream. I wish you peace with your past, peace with your decisions, and peace with your family. And if one day, in the recesses of your beautiful mind, you happen to remember our late night talks, or slumber parties or sundae making fiascos, you get a little warmer, because I still am holding you close.
Over the course of our lifetimes, we meet so many people, and perhaps make many casual acquaintances, but a true and steadfast friend is a rarity. It could be the girl, who in 4th grade, had to hold her purple pleather pants up with both hands while trying to run the laps in gym class. Or the other girl who drunkenly made up (or helped to make up) your high school nickname. It could be the girl who sat with you during American history, who made you laugh till you peed a little. Perhaps the college roommate whom you fought with constantly, or the other college roommate whose parents sent you Halloween care packages. Or, it could be the boy who brought you a rose on Valentine's Day freshman year because your own boyfriend had forgotten you.
Regardless of how you met or befriended them, the friendship got you through times you thought were nothing short of devastating. They were your broad shoulders upon which to cry when you were dumped, your empathetic ear when all seemed lost, and the one who held your hair back for you the first time you were stupid enough to drink blackberry brandy. In a way, I think most of us assume that all of our relationships will be eternal, and perhaps often take them for granted. We let petty arguments grow into mountains, and forget simple days that mean so much to them. Our own worlds are so large and encompassing, we become absorbed in ourselves and our own minutiae.
And then those people, whom we loved fiercely and loyally, begin to drop off, like lost meteors escaping their path through the galaxy, and like those meteors, it is a near impossibility to track them down. At first, you reassure yourself that either you will get them back, or that they were unnecessary in the grand scheme of things. But once it hits you, there is a certain grief that swallows you in tiny gulps. Little reminders left behind have your heart aching a bit. You realize
the person you cared so much for will never again grace your home, your phone, your heart.
I have managed, through Facebook, to find several people I once thought to be lost in the infinite galaxy, and yet others I know will forever deliberately keep themselves off of my grid out of resentment or anger, or perhaps even pity. At one time, I may have felt wronged by this, by these days, as I see my life passing so quickly, all I can find is this:
I wish you a lovely life. Healthy children and healthy marriages. I wish you prosperous enough to coast, and yet not so bloated with wealth that you lose your vision. I wish you joy in the small things, like canoeing a lake or feeding babies ice cream. I wish you peace with your past, peace with your decisions, and peace with your family. And if one day, in the recesses of your beautiful mind, you happen to remember our late night talks, or slumber parties or sundae making fiascos, you get a little warmer, because I still am holding you close.
I can only think that this gives a voice to what happened to me today. I love you so much, you have been a part of my life for almost a decade. Although we have only seen each other once since you left, it is as though you live next door....you are in my life daily. You are as strong as I am, possibly stronger, you are an inspiration to me as a mother, you are a cheerleader for me to succeed and to be happy...above all you listen and give frank, honest, unconditionally loving advice and insight. You are one of my most cherished friends.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all let's say a thanks to Facebook for reuniting us back together after over a decade. Time changes all things; you grow up, grow out and grow into friendships.
ReplyDeleteFriends are like clothes, you wear them around because it makes you feel good, there is comfort in them, sometimes you hold onto them for a long time, sometimes they rip and you can repair it; and sometimes you can't. You can always get new ones and start all over again too.
There are reasons for everything, you may not nor ever realize why this or that happens. Just make an outfit for the day and enjoy!