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Things I've Learned on my Florida Vacation


Day 1

1) day drinking is fabulous (when done only on vacation)
2) my kids are way cooler than I give them credit for 
3) sunshine is literally the best natural thing in the world 
4) appetizers should always precede dinner, especially after day drinking
5) the sounds of a pool filled with kids, mixed with a steel drum band is more relaxing than one would expect.
6) I never want to come home.
7) see number 1.

 Day 2

 1)Dumping one full hotel sized shampoo in the tub will give you a bubble bath a la Pretty Woman.
2)Singing Prince's Kiss is entirely optional. And not always encouraged.
3)Watching The Help on vacation makes me cry no less than when watching it at home.
4)Everything you ingest on vacation is fat free. It's in the rule books.
5)Day drinking is included in that and still awesome.
6)Boobs are the first thing to burn.
7)Spending 1500 to go to an overpriced theme park- yes I'm talking to you, Disney, is absurd when the kids have just as much fun showing off their new moves at the pool.
8) I am never coming home.

 Day 3

 1) 84 is my favorite number of degrees
2) When staying at a resort, it's perfectly acceptable for people to see you in various stages of undress.
3) Seeing a lizard is equally, if not more, exciting as seeing a deer in your yard at home.
4) Ernest Hemingway was a great writer while he drank.
5) I'm not Ernest Hemingway.
6) Wet floor signs at the pool should be larger, or louder.
7) floridians are absolutely clueless how to drive... Or walk... Or function in the rain.

 Day 4 (Busch Gardens Edition)

 1) Busch Gardens is NOT referring to how short your shorts should be, young lady.
2) Birds, both exotic and domestic, are f%#@ing terrifying, especially when in a sanctuary where they are encouraged to land on you.
3) When wearing a white tee, it may be wise to refrain from river rapid riding.
4)The foreigners here are the most polite. Anyone against immigration is just jealous of the handsome Latino men and their beautiful wives.
5) It's only sun poisoning if you admit it's sun poisoning.
6) If you're a chesty woman, the workers have to ask your permission before they push your safety harness down. Which puts that much more attention on your chestiness.
7) Why, seeing all of these absurd posts about snow in NY, would I EVER come home?

 Last Day

 Leaving vacation feels like a break up.
Only no boyfriend you've ever had has been this hot, this sweet or this amazing.
And no ex of yours ever made you this happy. And this vacation left a flush on your cheeks no boy ever could.
Goodbye, Florida. Thanks for the ride.

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