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Stories from a Chubby Girl Trying to Make Right- Hot Yoga

So, I will start out with the positives of the Hot Yoga experience.
Number one- It does good things for my body. I think. I really don't know since I have never been here before, but it is probably better for you than donuts or drag racing, which are both more fun.
Number two- There is a man in my class whose body belongs on the cover of a naughty romance novel. This can also go in the Con category, because it is distracting, and also because it makes me less likely to downward dog for fear of dog-like gas.
Number three- The heat. I actually prefer 96 degrees. It is one of my favorite degrees of all time. It is why I moved to Arizona, and why I often question why I moved back.
Number four- the friend on either side of me. You're not allowed to talk, which goes against everything I stand for, but knowing they were there gave me some kind of good chi, or happy vibes, or what have you. They also fall under the Con category, because they are both thin and pretty and bendy.

Now, the cons.
Number one- The sweat. It comes off of me like someone shook a seltzer bottle over my head and opened it. Which, come to think of it, would have felt good. I left drops on my mat, drops on my towel, and unfortunately, an absurd amount of drops on the very clean looking hardwood floor, which distracted me because I wondered who had to clean it.
Number two- The music. I think soft new age music (Yes, Enya, I am talking to you) is lovely when you are drunk in a bath and someone is feeding you grapes. But I have the hardest time focusing if there is not a good solid beat. It might just be me, but if they threw in a little AC/DC or Timbaland, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
Number three- The lack of snacks. This one I am joking about. Sort of. I went on an empty stomach, afraid to projectile hurl, and my stomach made noises that I couldn't pass off on someone else because I wasn't allowed to talk.
Number Four- The mirrors. For all that is good and holy, can work out spaces stop trying to remind us of why we are working out? I do not want to see any of this doing any of that. Ever.

Now, just a few notes and suggestions for the next newbie.
Bring a long, and very squishy towel. But note that it will be about thirty pounds heavier going out than it did coming in. You may want to also bring a hazmat bag to put the towel in, but that is only because of the next suggestion.
Vaginas sweat. Did we know this was a thing? Cause they do. I highly recommend going commando, if you are comfortable with it, because as I mentioned earlier, vaginas sweat. But also, if I had worn undies, I would have a wedgie lodged so far up, there might have had to be internal surgery.
Girls with boobs and hips, you might not be able to do what some of the skinny bitches-sorry, ladies, can.  Stuff can get surprisingly in the way when you are playing twister by yourself. But if you have an uber nice instructor (and I wondered several times throughout the session if she ever yelled or got mad. Probably not.), she/he will tell you that you follow your own plan and if you can't do, don't do. This is when Child's Pose comes in handy. I am not sure why it is called child's pose, because I would pay cash money to see my kids all peaceful on the floor.
And last, but certainly not least, you won't look good when you leave. I don't care how juicy and delicious your new yoga pants make your heinie look, or how super wick dry weave hemp braided made by little chinese girls your yoga pants are, or how adorable your messy bun looks, you're gonna look like Mannheim Steamrolled all over your ass. Even the hottest girl in  class (and she was super hot- with a half sleeve and perfect hair and a waist I could span with my long Trump fingers) looked like she had just given birth to triplets. I took an inappropriately large amount of satisfaction from that.
I also have to admit that I cried at the end. Not a full on Steel Magnolias cry, but a few tears left my body. It might have just been eyeball sweat, since apparently everything on our bodies sweats, but I am pretty sure I got a little overwhelmed, and that one moment is what made me realize I would be going back. I am never going to have a Madonna body or practice my intention on my front lawn, but every once in a while, I'm going to choose to spend a lot of money to bend my body in ways Mother Nature never intended, just so I can get to the end and cry a little because something clicked somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain.
Ok, off to eat a donut. Just kidding. Probably just a croissant.

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